Haven't written a journal or done anything on this site in a long time. I guess life has just... y'know, come into existence and now I can't even stand staring at the computer any longer than an hour before I feel like I'm going to be climbing the walls with restlessness, anxiety and boredom.
However, I need to vent. Let shit out. This isn't going to even help, it stopped working a long time ago, but my mates seem to strongly dislike anything that is 'depressing'. So whatever.
My family are seriously driving me insane.
I never thought people could make me feel so suffocated, so trapped, so imperfect, so... goddamn... just ugh, they're driving me towards a fricken mental breakdown.
A mother who is obsessed with her boyfriend. Or ex. They recently split up, which had me up round her house consoling her while she stared at the wall for hours on end and/or cried her eyes out. Other than that, I never hear from her or see her. It's only when she fucking needs something from me, like ranting or being upset on my shoulder, do I hear from her. She's been so wrapped up in herself and her own life. I don't even care; if she'd just leave me alone and stick to her own life.
My dad is.... whoa, too much. He texts me every half an hour every day. If I don't respond, he texts me asking why I'm not. He rings me all the time, he rings my grandparents (that is where I live right now) to ask them if I'm okay, am I pissed off with him, blah blah. It's like having my own stalker. It's like some weight on my shoulders that tells me that anytime now, some little emotionally dependant person is gonna need my attention. I try to tell him to back off. He gets upset, all emo, and threatens to kill himself. Like the attention whore and fucked up person that he is.
My gran is constantly harassing me. She goes into my room all the time, rummages through my stuff, claims she has the right to do this because I'm living under her roof. She never gives me space, always tries to tell me what to do, what to wear, what to eat. She wants to know my every move all the time, inside the house and outside the house. She texts and rings me all the time when I'm out with mates. I tell her what I'm doing, she acts like I don't and rings my mate's parents up at 2am in the morning demanding to know where I am. She's always talking about how I should get a guy and/or marry some rich guy and I just have to grit my teeth and do my best to ensure that she doesn't find out that I dig girls, not guys. Which is also a living nightmare.
And it's just....
I've always been proud of how, even if I wanted to, I never cry. But lately, I've never felt so prone to randomly bursting into tears and massive major mood swings. I can't even feel like I can turn to my best mate anymore. She manages to make me feel so inadequate and like I'm just being a stupid idiot, who needs to pull herself together. Maybe I am but just for once, I wanna break down and feel like there's gonna be somebody there to help me and be there for me. I'm fed up of doing my best to help other people, go out of my way to help a mate, and never get anything in return. I don't want anything in return but how shit does it make me feel when I do all that, and it's like they don't give a shit when I'm in need of help.
And for god's sake, what is wrong with me? I can't go through a day anymore without some moodswing hitting me and my head going crazy with paranoid thoughts, depressing thoughts and questioning everything. I just want to relax, kick back and enjoy the simple things in life.
I don't want to feel like I'm going to explode, feel overly restless, anxious, nervous and like I'm wasting my life every minute I'm not doing anything.
I can't stand it.
I don't know what the hell to do.
No doubt I'll just rant all this and go back to doing it all, with this "fuck everything" attitude I've got lately. It's the only way I can protect myself from the constant criticism and shit I get from everyone.
Why am I such a mess? I see people able to cope and deal with shit thrown their way, I see them being positive and clawing their way through every barrier that gets in their way. I try all I can, I just seem to be constantly let down by my own mind.
What a fucking drag.